Deserve

She was at crossroads.

All her life, she at least could talk to herself, she had herself on her team,even if the world wasn't.
She had that voice in her head that stood by her...

How was she supposed to live without herself? How was she supposed to steer life without a rudder? That voice in her head, that outspoken headstrong voice, that voice was no longer on her team. That voice was like a cold clammy grip that held her heart in a vice, that clawed out her heart and shred it to ribbons... What use of a fickle broken heart, without the voice to support it?

All through, she had vehemently demanded loyalty, she knew not how to defend her disloyalty. She placed a premium on truth and trust and betrayed it all, because of her silly stupid heart. A silly stupid broken heart. For when the time came to comfort her, the heart broke into a million pieces and pierced every inch of who she was, while the voice in her head stood over laughing.

She is a traitor who deserves every punishment ever.

Her heart deserves to be stomped over, broken twisted and killed. Kill the heart and hang the traitor.

Never again shall words like integrity and loyalty be spoken of, ever. For the voice in the head no longer belongs to her now. She is the enemy and needs to be destroyed.

I, need to be destroyed.

Random.

Why is it that this ONE thing has taken over my life? Everything else is good (?) right?

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Its all about needs. The minute the need is over, the transaction ends. Thats what happened here. Attaching any more meaning or emotion to it, is foolishness. Isnt it?

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Rationale and Logic, do not work when emotions are around. Thats what I hate about this. Austistic people are better off I say.

Fact and fiction

Fact is stranger than fiction. What was a figment of imagination, is now a part of life.

Did I dream it into happening? Did I foresee it?

Why doesn't it feel the way it should though?

Undeserved

Me 6 months ago, looks at current me and is disgusted.

I have let me down.

I'm sorry doesn't come close.

I need some sympathy and pity, for I don't deserve anything else.

Me 6 months ago asks of me now... How is it that I touch my child with these hands? How do I kiss her with that mouth?

I drown in guilt. Wish I was drowning in real.

Always hated death by drowning... Always been afraid of it... Now hoping to drown in acid and die.

Conundrums

I'm so much in a dilemma right now. I don't know what I am doing. Whom am I hurting? Why am I doing what I am?

It easy to give things a label, but the fact is, what I'm doing doesn't even deserve a label. Even the most clichéd label doesn't come close to what this is.

I felt so guilty and dirty after doing what I did. Am I so weak, that I have ignored all the warning bells in my head? Of course I'm that weak. I wouldn't have let things go that far otherwise.

Even single value is getting broken, my pride is in smithereens... Loyalty, integrity, responsibility, commitment, trust truth, morality... Nothing has been left untainted. Even things that shouldn't matter - habits, behavior, caste... Everything has been murdered. Everything is either dead or dying.

All this, even when you said that what you feel has shaken, that we have different value systems.

It makes me sick to my stomach about what I did, despite which, I know I will continue to do it.

I can't think, but I can't not think. What have I gotten into!!

When you are around

The mundane-ness of life is reduced when you are around, there is a certain color in the air, when you are around.
Is it beauty, is it love, or is it just companionship, I know not, but the my whole world is exhilarated when you are around.

The ennui of life, comes down, even if it is, for a little, the gray turns into reds and pinks, the drab into the interesting, and the uninspiring grow up to be muses for poetry.

The greens are more vibrant, the blues a little more blue and the rainbow has more than just the 7 colors, when you are around.