random lines.

A ragpicker that I am ,
Riches avoid me.
A heretic that I am ,
My Lord deserts me.
I lay down on the floor of my wretched home
Waiting for death to visit

Maybe

She had everything, and yet nothing.

"Yun to koi gila nahin. sab kuch tha, kya na tha
phir bhi jo ek kami si thi, uska pata na tha"

Feeling lost. unloved. unwanted. feeling dead, while breathing.

I need a hug. a big large loud hug. I need someone to tell me that they care because no matter how many times I tell this to myself, it sounds hollow and false.

I need someone to believe in me, tell me that they know that I am perfect, and tell it to me like they are sure of the morning, day and night, despite me being imperfect.

I need someone to help me find a reason to live. All I do now is, breathe.

And breathing, is suffocating. It feels like Im gasping, gasping and gasping for air, to survive, to ... to to live and all I can do is, gasp.

Why is it, that I am back to venting on a blog ... on just words and letters when I supposedly have SO many people around me?

Dammit. I hate you, you stupid stupid world.

Where's my Antartica?

Trapped

If she had felt trapped before, that feeling was nothing compared to this. This feeling was not emotional. It was as though she was having a physical reaction. This feeling, it caught in her throat, choking out the words, wrapping its fingers around her lungs, cold and clammy, she could hardly breathe.

It was as though she was dying, the hole in her stomach kept growing each day, the future, the uncertainty, the anger, the dissappointment, and more than all that - the entrapment.

She was trapped in her body, she was trapped by her fate, and she, was trapped, by her own progeny.

the shackles so bound, that the only way to freedom was no way at all.

the writer

I truly, totally want to write. I look at my old blogs, and blog posts, I look at that Rs.2500/- cheque that is past expiry date for my short story, and long to write.

It is just so simply sad that all I write now, are either emails, excel sheets or pitful "Im such a loser posts".

Life, has just become so cluttered now. too many relationships, commitments and responsibilities come in way of me.

I think of that long lost novel that I began, and I can envision what I had written... that fictional village beckons me, my lovely protagonist still is where I have asked her to stay. The story just doesn't move further, everything is like a painting in my minds eye.

My heart asks me what happens of them, of the heroine, her mother, the numerous men in that story - what happens at the cemetery, whos epitaph is she reading,  and I do not know. I just do not know. the papers on which it was written is long gone, lost. I cannot restart, the words wont be what they were then. anything I try to do will only deface the painting in the minds eye.

Sigh.

I just want to write. When will I get to write?
 

ennui

would someone object if I left a suicide note that read

"died due to ennui and boredom"

or should I make it sound that I killed myself, not over a matter of not being able to keep busy, but because I underwent some great emotional and personal trauma? Should I invent the burden of an invalid sibling, an addiction riddled parent, a blind in law to be taken care of, and the event of a dead spouse too?

Would that validate suicide .. compared to my contention of ennui?
~~~~~~

There was once a girl whom everyone wanted to be with. she was funny. she was smart. she was not beautiful, but she had the wit that everyone longed to possess, she was groomed, she gleaned with polished funny-ness.

she went home everyday, and removed the cloak of being funny. underneath, there was a very bored cynical old crone that hid.

Who would you rather be with?

Dont bother answering.

Dear Diary

Excerpts from notes and To-Dos of a worldly wise Jackie.

- get a life

- exercise

- find someone who loves you.

loves you the way all the sappy emotional movie stars love their heroines to the ends of the world and to the ends of their lives.

Find a man who can be your sameer, kundan, vanraj all rolled into one.

*sigh*

- stop dreaming.

- get a life.

helpless

Only when you go through it, you realise why they use adjectives like "shocking" and "gory" and "mindnumbing"; and only when you go through it, you realise why all those adjectives are useless in describing what you have just gone through.

and no, im talking about Cancer.

What  i AM talking about, is domestic violence. Physical domestic violence.

People have a cure for cancer, they help you through it, you are given medicines to kill it. you are allowed to kill the cancerous cells and remove parts of your body that might potentially cause cancer in the future.

What about domestic abuse? You act as if it doesnt exist, you pretend everything to be okay; a ruptured ear drum? a dislocated jaw? internal bleeding?

nothing happened. nothing really.fell down a flight of stairs; wasnt watching where to step; had a minor accident on the two wheeler. really?

really?

how could a flight of stairs rupture a eardrum? How could a jaw get dislocated if one hit the head on the kitchen cabinet? how do you manage to get massive internal bleeding if you dont drive a two wheeler?

no questions asked. questions will never be asked. we all want to pretend it did not happen. how do educated people allow it to happen? what about social standing?

finally, "who doesnt have problems in their marital life" and "all a part and parcel of marriage"

domestic abuse. part and parcel of life. nothing really happened. and I wont listen to what you tell me.

simply because, with a ruptured ear drum, i really cant hear you.