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What defines us? What we have or what we don't? What we are or what we aspire to be?

Is light the absence of darkness or is the dark devoid of light?

Are unanswered questions really questions? What elevates a sentence to a question? The fact that it has been asked, or the fact that someone out there is seeking an answer to it?
What about all those unasked questions... What about answers that are available but have no questions at all?

What is life and what is death? Physical, emotional or spiritual? Which defines absence of life or presence of death? How do we know that what we have, is life? What if it's death, but we have not defined it right?

New year it seems

Fuckall, is what it is, I tell you. People drinking and dancing and acting foolish is what it is. It is times. Like this that I truly regret not being deaf blind and mute. Ugh.

Shut up and go I say.

Hate and Incompatibility

It isn't fair.

Two unlike people should not live together. People who have nothing in common, people who hate each others guts, people who are not even compatible sexually, people who bring out the worst in each other - should not live together.

Why are they living together then? what forces them to? her insecurity? his insecurity? the child they made together?  what forces them to stay together despite not having anything in common? why cant they just let go - for in their minds, they already have.

The chasm couldnt be more deeper than the deepest end of the ocean despite living in a small 1200 sqft house.

She hated her lack of balls to walk out. She hated whatever it was that held her back from getting what she wanted. She hated herself.

I..... hate myself.

Expectations

Let down. By everyone she knew. By herself too.

Nothing

the reality of life has taken away the imagination of the mind.
rigmarole has robbed me of words, mundane of thought and ennui of musing.

Had once read somewhere that great tragedy gives rise to the greatest works of art. The greatest tragedy though, is to have NO tragedy, and being robbed of making those great works of art.

Momentary (or is it)

Defeated crushed and humiliated. Feeling betrayed while making others feel they have been betrayed.
Suicidal too.
Too cowardly to commit the act. Waiting for an act of 'god'.

Relief

I think he would be relieved if anything happened to me. Thank god if I died and jump in joy at the thought of losing me.

How do you wind up with someone as this to be the one person you are destined to lead your life with?

of nightmares and you.

"aur kya ehd-e-wafa hote hain,
log milte hain, juda hote hain"

I hate you. You no longer exist in my world.

Why do you torment me so then?

It is past midnight, and I toss and I turn, and I cannot sleep, because the mind decided to go to that dark corner - the abyss of the sub conscious that I have thrown you into.

I was dreaming, I didn't know better, than to venture out there. the abyss where all unwanted, unpleasant and hateful things are thrown away.

The mind must stay in the palace built in it. The memory palace. The palace whose passageways are lined with memories I want. The memories that I have distorted enough to feel good.

In the abyss lies the truth, in the abyss lies all my emotion. my pent up fury, my anger and my hate. My disgust, and my love too. I keep telling my dream-me not to venture in there, for the nightmares that emerge from there are far too scary, they keep you up at night, they destroy your days and kill your nights.

Despite all those warnings, like Hansel and Gretel in the candy house, I venture in there, and see you staring back at me.

I wake up gasping for air, the tumor within makes it difficult to breathe, I gasp and I rasp and I choke and I gag, reaching out for my water bottle, but suddenly, I find myself in that despicable city, in your despicable room, and my fingers touch your skin instead of the plastic bottle, my hand grazes over your pimpled semi bearded face, and I recoil, I hate that touch. I hate the familiar feeling that rises in the pit of my stomach, I hate you, I hate your name, I hate anything that has to do with you.

I kick and scream, and try and run, but I am rooted to my place. I realize I am still dreaming, and thankfully, this time, when I eyes open, I am no where near that goddamn hell in which I willingly walked into.

If I could, I would take a huge enough eraser and just erase you out of existence. I have thrown you into the abyss along with the dirty lecherous tailor whose touch cost me my innocence of childhood - you both belong together.

Why did you decide to crawl out of that abyss and into my dreams? I back away from you, but you keep advancing, I hate you. I am stuck again in those couple of days, those meaningless words, those hurtful looks and I hate you. Just go back. just crawl back to wherever I had thrown you.

Stop making me wake up at midnight, scared to go back to sleep, stop making me feel dirty and disgusted about my judgment, my body. Just Go Away! you know I hate you.

I just wish I could stop hating you. I wish I could stop loving you. I wish I could just erase you away. What a stupid judge of character am I. Why could I not see through all your lies and deceit? why did you deceive me? How much fun did you really have at my expense? Was I fun enough? Was I experience enough? Do you still slap your thigh and laugh about my naïve innocence and love to your friends? Do you still guffaw at what a pitiful fool you made me out to be? Does your family use me as a tea time story of how many conquests their darling son has made?

If I just knew why.
The pain wouldn't lessen though. the nightmares wouldn't stop. would they?

I hate you. Now, if only I could ask my stupid heart to stop loving you.

Maybe

She had everything, and yet nothing.

"Yun to koi gila nahin. sab kuch tha, kya na tha
phir bhi jo ek kami si thi, uska pata na tha"

Feeling lost. unloved. unwanted. feeling dead, while breathing.

I need a hug. a big large loud hug. I need someone to tell me that they care because no matter how many times I tell this to myself, it sounds hollow and false.

I need someone to believe in me, tell me that they know that I am perfect, and tell it to me like they are sure of the morning, day and night, despite me being imperfect.

I need someone to help me find a reason to live. All I do now is, breathe.

And breathing, is suffocating. It feels like Im gasping, gasping and gasping for air, to survive, to ... to to live and all I can do is, gasp.

Why is it, that I am back to venting on a blog ... on just words and letters when I supposedly have SO many people around me?

Dammit. I hate you, you stupid stupid world.

Where's my Antartica?

Trapped

If she had felt trapped before, that feeling was nothing compared to this. This feeling was not emotional. It was as though she was having a physical reaction. This feeling, it caught in her throat, choking out the words, wrapping its fingers around her lungs, cold and clammy, she could hardly breathe.

It was as though she was dying, the hole in her stomach kept growing each day, the future, the uncertainty, the anger, the dissappointment, and more than all that - the entrapment.

She was trapped in her body, she was trapped by her fate, and she, was trapped, by her own progeny.

the shackles so bound, that the only way to freedom was no way at all.

wateva!

Love, is single handedly the biggest generator of crime.

All this flowery rosy poetry about love and its grandeur, is all just bull crap. It makes you lie, cheat. It makes you guilty, and feel dirty. even when you are the victim, it makes you feel like the perpetrator.

A friend is in love. for the 4th time. how can that be possible? beyond comprehension. Love is like boobs. even man boobs. it is like a vagina, a penis. once you have it. you have it. how do you get rid of it?

all modern medical practices would say boobs and vaginas and penises can be surgically removed. what else do cosmetic surgeons get paid for? unnatural removal of body parts.

Modernists would tell me to bother about more important stuff in life. Like the politics, or the elections or the poverty or hunger, or marrying film stars ... that is the big stuff. Stuff that the universe is made of. I cant get my head around the small stuff. Nauseatingly sickening small stuff like love and emotions. How am I supposed to make sense of the big stuff?

How does one stop being in love? does it happen like when you get out of a theater  Okay - it was good for the 3 hours it lasted. I am going to think about it now, and forget it by the time I reach the bottom of the escalator? Which movie do I watch next?

I need to know. For I need to fall out of love. I am in love. Far too much out in love. I am at a point where hate, disgust and love - they all meet. Like my own little Narnia or my own sickening version of Far-Far-Away. I need to get away from the looking glass. Alice needs her life back. So, when this friend marries the man she thinks is Mr. Right 4th time lucky, I tear my hair apart, figuring out just how is it possible. I need to know.

I need to get rid of this man living here in my head and heart, at the same time disgusting me, and at the same time evoking all those emotions of supposedly true love. I am stuck with someone whom I cant hate entirely or love completely. So for the sake of the end of the world - how does one get rid of emotions? whom do I pay for a surgery that strips me of my metaphorical man-boobs and penis - for now, it is unnatural to have it.

whats up with the toungue

Never really understood about the whole role of this tongue in a kiss.
I've been kissed by 4 guys in my life. Each time they leaned in for a kiss - I would always wonder. Will this guy use tongue now ... why tongue? how does that help?

The first guy to ever kiss me - was the like the most wonderful of all ... or maybe I'm saying that, because, you know - I was 16 and at 16 when it is your first kiss, everything is just beautifully wonderful. I still never understood the tongue. Though, his tongue in all other places - was, well. Just right. We kept kissing for the three years we lasted together, but I still never got the thing about tongues touching or searching each others oral cavity.

The second guy, well. McDreamy. Heated Kiss, Steamy and stormy, the stuff they write of, in all your romance novels. You know, dark stormy night outside, stormy feelings inside, just the two of us, love-hate relationship. The fact that he already had a girlfriend and by kissing, we were "cheating" just turned me on, even more. ah. lust. the only emotion, that is so simple. other than hunger. and yet. in all these stormy, dark, and intensely lustful emotions swirling around ... i never understood why he used tongue too. No more anything there, so despite all the beautiful, lustful chemistry we shared, all I had was that stormy tongue to contemplate.

The third guy, I am so ashamed of actually allowing him anywhere near my body; but hey! you always end up with the one SOB you should never have trusted right? A couple of nights later (that I shall regret until the day I die) after we probably kissed more than a hundred times, and I assumed in all my naivety and innocent love that we would spend a lifetime together, I got duly dumped. None of the kisses, even in the veil of the blinding love, in who's grip that I was then, measured up to the first kiss of the sweet teenage, and this time too - I had no clue why the tongue was used. I was more like - "please let me breathe ... I cant live with 15 minute kisses".

And, now, with the present guy, I do a quick peck on the lips or the cheek - and hold the liberty of telling him that I hate to kiss with tongue. He doesnt understand, and there are times when we are doing it, and he just has to stick his tongue into my pie hole. well. being in a relation does mean compromise doesnt it?

general rants

There was once a friend of mine, who said he had heard a god-man say in a <em>sat-sang</em> that if his listeners expected him to explain the great mystery of life, or the meaning of life, they would be dissapointed.
My friend told me, the God-man began by saying "life is meaningless". While my friend and I are fellow agnostics, bordering on atheists, he wondered how a man who believed in God could use that sentence.
Actually, I had told him then. It is true. The whole fucking thing is meaningless and useless. at the end, you die. I told him. and he asked me to stop watching movies. at the end, he said, they end.
we laughed, and moved on to more important topics like Mithun Chakraborthy and his corny dialogues, but what I did not tell him then, was that life, is indeed meaningless.
All this fucked up dialogue about God, and Hope and Faith and Reincarnation is just bull shit. or atleast, that is what my life so far has led me to believe. I know, a lot of people would just want to tear me apart for this, and maybe, I deserve to be torn apart, maybe, I am wring about this whole fucked up thing being really fucked up. Maybe is it not just as much an ass fart as I believe it to be, but well, it is what I believe. So I believe it.
but then, most beliefs are also fucked up. way beyond sense. most beliefs put our life into a FUBAR mode.
You believe in the existence of God. I believe passing under a bridge when the train passes by above is good luck. which belief is stupid? which is fucked up?
You tell me - yeah, good luck, until someone shits on you from the train. I tell you, yeah, God, until you shit on yourself. you call me crazy, maybe I am. or maybe, you deserve to be in an asylum.

I'll tell you why you believe in God.
Because you are so pathetic, that you want to make yourself feel important. you want to feel needed.
You have designated your so called God to be the be all, end all, the all mighty, the ghost, the father, the god-knows-whatelse. and you tell me that a day in his life is equivalent to an year of yours. A year in his life is equivalent to a yuga and then you give me more shit about several yugas and the armageddon and the re-birth.
WTF. do you hear yourself speak?
Anyways.
One believes in a higher power looking over them, because they are scared little punks thinking too high about themselves. All this shit about reincarnation - do you really think that the world cannot do without you, and so they have brought you back - albeit in a different form and shape? you kidding me?
No one. and listen again. NO ONE is indispensable. Just like when you quit your job, assuming the whole company shall come to a grinding halt, and half an hour later, you realise you never meant a thing, when you die, a few days (months? years?) later - you cease to be in their minds.
Life Effing goes on. eveyone loses parents, children, spouses, siblings, and life goes on.
Ask me. I live.

all the great sorrow and grief and helpnesses, all that about being unable to exist without them - ask a child who's lost a parent. the child lives on. Isnt that proof enough?

You want to think that life stops. it doesnt. learn to live with it.

I'll give you another reason why you believe in God.
Blame.

Who do you blame when things go wrong? The only reason why "God" exists is so that you can blame that entity. "why me God?" "what the fuck did I do to deserve this?" who would you ask these questions if your "God" wasnt around?

Stand up. be a man. take responsibility. stop blaming a non existent entity for everything that you fuck up in life. stop raping this poor word called God.

FAte, destiny, bullshit. thats how the words should be grouped. you made a mistake, deal with it. you had good intentions, you wanted to live your life, things went wrong - deal with it.

Just because you are a loser today, and living in abject poverty or are so fugly that you didnt get laid, doesnt guarantee you a berth in heaven. this nonsense about suffering today, cos you will enjoy post death - havent heard a bigger joke than that.

You are suffering, cos you are a loser. be a man. fight the circumstance, stop suffering, whining and taking pride in being a loser, because "God" has better plans for you.

Believe in you, believe in the actions you perform. Even if you decide you want to be a pedophile, believe in what you do. no better happiness than it.
Stop seeking acceptance from some non existent loser word.

Oh, and btw - fast if you want a nice figure, fast if you are obese, fast if you arent a diabetic. Dont try and make a mockery of your own faith - "god, I'll fast on shivratri, get me a good fuckable girlfriend", "God, all through lent - I shall fast, if you get me a thunderbird", "god - Im on a ramaadaan fast, hoping that this illicit baby in my tummy dies as a result, I dont want to marry that loser of a boyfriend"

Duh. dont trade on petty stupidities with you almighty. if you have invented him - give him some dignity as well.

And those stupid stories, epics and the mantras that you say - all of them - designed and invented to keep the woman as a second rate citizen.

Raam decided some random bastard's drunken rants are important, the vows you made to a woman arent.
Krishna is your embodiment of a serial womaniser
that religion born in the desert, yes you know which one that is - decides for some reason that women exist only to ensure progeny.
the other religion where this guy was not hung (they didnt know the usage of rope back then), but was nailed randomly, decided that if he has a wife, his "godliness" factor shall decrease.

Nice. women - forever second rate right?

and now, I shall retreat back to my antartica. anyone needs advice in how to become a cynic - contact me telepathically. If I want to listen to you jerks, I shall crawl out of whichever cave I am holed up in.

(disclaimer - isnt meant to hurt any sentiments. meant only to vent, rant and lash out at the general foolishness of the population.)

 

how random can it get?

emotions - out of bound. work -  out of hand.

The only ray of hope is that Sheldon cooper is back. "Believe it because its true".
Loooooooooove Sheldon Cooper. (Yes, we are allowed to be girly-girly and all teenagy for our dear shelly!)

Lesson Learnt from a random Hindi soap -

If your husband goes missing in the middle of the night - go walk on hot coal embers while drag-dressed bearded men nag you to torture yourself.

dont forget the designer saree though :P