of nightmares and you.

"aur kya ehd-e-wafa hote hain,
log milte hain, juda hote hain"

I hate you. You no longer exist in my world.

Why do you torment me so then?

It is past midnight, and I toss and I turn, and I cannot sleep, because the mind decided to go to that dark corner - the abyss of the sub conscious that I have thrown you into.

I was dreaming, I didn't know better, than to venture out there. the abyss where all unwanted, unpleasant and hateful things are thrown away.

The mind must stay in the palace built in it. The memory palace. The palace whose passageways are lined with memories I want. The memories that I have distorted enough to feel good.

In the abyss lies the truth, in the abyss lies all my emotion. my pent up fury, my anger and my hate. My disgust, and my love too. I keep telling my dream-me not to venture in there, for the nightmares that emerge from there are far too scary, they keep you up at night, they destroy your days and kill your nights.

Despite all those warnings, like Hansel and Gretel in the candy house, I venture in there, and see you staring back at me.

I wake up gasping for air, the tumor within makes it difficult to breathe, I gasp and I rasp and I choke and I gag, reaching out for my water bottle, but suddenly, I find myself in that despicable city, in your despicable room, and my fingers touch your skin instead of the plastic bottle, my hand grazes over your pimpled semi bearded face, and I recoil, I hate that touch. I hate the familiar feeling that rises in the pit of my stomach, I hate you, I hate your name, I hate anything that has to do with you.

I kick and scream, and try and run, but I am rooted to my place. I realize I am still dreaming, and thankfully, this time, when I eyes open, I am no where near that goddamn hell in which I willingly walked into.

If I could, I would take a huge enough eraser and just erase you out of existence. I have thrown you into the abyss along with the dirty lecherous tailor whose touch cost me my innocence of childhood - you both belong together.

Why did you decide to crawl out of that abyss and into my dreams? I back away from you, but you keep advancing, I hate you. I am stuck again in those couple of days, those meaningless words, those hurtful looks and I hate you. Just go back. just crawl back to wherever I had thrown you.

Stop making me wake up at midnight, scared to go back to sleep, stop making me feel dirty and disgusted about my judgment, my body. Just Go Away! you know I hate you.

I just wish I could stop hating you. I wish I could stop loving you. I wish I could just erase you away. What a stupid judge of character am I. Why could I not see through all your lies and deceit? why did you deceive me? How much fun did you really have at my expense? Was I fun enough? Was I experience enough? Do you still slap your thigh and laugh about my naïve innocence and love to your friends? Do you still guffaw at what a pitiful fool you made me out to be? Does your family use me as a tea time story of how many conquests their darling son has made?

If I just knew why.
The pain wouldn't lessen though. the nightmares wouldn't stop. would they?

I hate you. Now, if only I could ask my stupid heart to stop loving you.

whats up with the toungue

Never really understood about the whole role of this tongue in a kiss.
I've been kissed by 4 guys in my life. Each time they leaned in for a kiss - I would always wonder. Will this guy use tongue now ... why tongue? how does that help?

The first guy to ever kiss me - was the like the most wonderful of all ... or maybe I'm saying that, because, you know - I was 16 and at 16 when it is your first kiss, everything is just beautifully wonderful. I still never understood the tongue. Though, his tongue in all other places - was, well. Just right. We kept kissing for the three years we lasted together, but I still never got the thing about tongues touching or searching each others oral cavity.

The second guy, well. McDreamy. Heated Kiss, Steamy and stormy, the stuff they write of, in all your romance novels. You know, dark stormy night outside, stormy feelings inside, just the two of us, love-hate relationship. The fact that he already had a girlfriend and by kissing, we were "cheating" just turned me on, even more. ah. lust. the only emotion, that is so simple. other than hunger. and yet. in all these stormy, dark, and intensely lustful emotions swirling around ... i never understood why he used tongue too. No more anything there, so despite all the beautiful, lustful chemistry we shared, all I had was that stormy tongue to contemplate.

The third guy, I am so ashamed of actually allowing him anywhere near my body; but hey! you always end up with the one SOB you should never have trusted right? A couple of nights later (that I shall regret until the day I die) after we probably kissed more than a hundred times, and I assumed in all my naivety and innocent love that we would spend a lifetime together, I got duly dumped. None of the kisses, even in the veil of the blinding love, in who's grip that I was then, measured up to the first kiss of the sweet teenage, and this time too - I had no clue why the tongue was used. I was more like - "please let me breathe ... I cant live with 15 minute kisses".

And, now, with the present guy, I do a quick peck on the lips or the cheek - and hold the liberty of telling him that I hate to kiss with tongue. He doesnt understand, and there are times when we are doing it, and he just has to stick his tongue into my pie hole. well. being in a relation does mean compromise doesnt it?