playlist

some really beautiful songs in this long forgotten playlist. I love this playlist sheerly because of the lyrics and the reality that they portray.

totally love Sunil Dutt, and have always felt that he was one of the very (very) few handsome men in the industry. Even as he is a little chubby in this song,  he is totally handsome. 
The unfortunate man though, was dealt a poor hand when it came to offspring. That though, for another day.
Look just how handsome he looks in this period movie - awww .... no six and eight packs, but gimme Sunil Dutt anyday over any of these plastic newbies :)


And how awesome are the lyrics of this song? One needs to be married to actually appreciate the lyrics of this song... beautiful depiction of the inaneness and the ennui that sets in - you start taking each other for granted, and somewhere, you drift apart - stay together, because - well, you stay together. The love, though, the underlying love doesnt die out so easily, and that probably that is what holds everything together.
Juxtapose it with this song ; the joys of being newly wed, the surprise and the new love that they have for each other, that everything they do, is beautiful in itself ...

Leave you with this one...

wateva!

Love, is single handedly the biggest generator of crime.

All this flowery rosy poetry about love and its grandeur, is all just bull crap. It makes you lie, cheat. It makes you guilty, and feel dirty. even when you are the victim, it makes you feel like the perpetrator.

A friend is in love. for the 4th time. how can that be possible? beyond comprehension. Love is like boobs. even man boobs. it is like a vagina, a penis. once you have it. you have it. how do you get rid of it?

all modern medical practices would say boobs and vaginas and penises can be surgically removed. what else do cosmetic surgeons get paid for? unnatural removal of body parts.

Modernists would tell me to bother about more important stuff in life. Like the politics, or the elections or the poverty or hunger, or marrying film stars ... that is the big stuff. Stuff that the universe is made of. I cant get my head around the small stuff. Nauseatingly sickening small stuff like love and emotions. How am I supposed to make sense of the big stuff?

How does one stop being in love? does it happen like when you get out of a theater  Okay - it was good for the 3 hours it lasted. I am going to think about it now, and forget it by the time I reach the bottom of the escalator? Which movie do I watch next?

I need to know. For I need to fall out of love. I am in love. Far too much out in love. I am at a point where hate, disgust and love - they all meet. Like my own little Narnia or my own sickening version of Far-Far-Away. I need to get away from the looking glass. Alice needs her life back. So, when this friend marries the man she thinks is Mr. Right 4th time lucky, I tear my hair apart, figuring out just how is it possible. I need to know.

I need to get rid of this man living here in my head and heart, at the same time disgusting me, and at the same time evoking all those emotions of supposedly true love. I am stuck with someone whom I cant hate entirely or love completely. So for the sake of the end of the world - how does one get rid of emotions? whom do I pay for a surgery that strips me of my metaphorical man-boobs and penis - for now, it is unnatural to have it.

guilt

this song here  is bittersweet. 

It was 2005 I think, and I was active in the 'Bangalore Music Lovers' group on Yahoo. It was a rare opportunity to see BalaMurali perform Live in Bangalore.

The tickets were on the higher side, as was expected for a BalaMurali concert, but I went ahead and bought 3 tickets. I expected mom, me and gran to go, but when gran refused, I took dad along. we went in our Indica - the car dad had bought in the excitement of wanting to begin a travel business. It was the ultimate pride for him. A car he owed, driven by a chauffeur, with his wife and daughter to watch Balamurali in action, with the tickets his daughter had bought for him with her earnings.

Dad enjoyed the evening to no end. That ad where they say "papa ki chatti ko chattes se chaalis bana deta hain" it actually happened. It did.It truly and totally did.
He did not forget the evening ever. He kept singing that very song over and over again, he must have sang it atleast a thousand times in the short span that he was alive after this incident.

It drives a knife through my heart to listen to this song. It was dad and daughter, sitting next to each other laughing, clapping each other palms to match the Taala of the song.

This song always makes me feel guilty that my first choice was Gran. It taints the happiness of that evening with a huge guilt covered brush.

I make it a point to listen to this song everytime I feel good about myself, because it is important to know that you can never allow yourself to feel too good about yourself, too proud. you need to remember the people who matter the most. you need to make sure you are taking good care of them.you need to love them as unconditionally as possible. because, you never know, when life decides to paint your moments with that ugly color of guilt.

And truth be told. this is the only true and deep rooted guilt I have. Nothing else comes close. nothing else measures up. This is the only true emotion I have. all others pale. even love and hate. they pale. just pale against this one incident.  everything i will ever do in my life, will always pale - there will always be this pain in the pit of the stomach which hits you harder than a punch in the lungs which is so raw and emotional.that nothing can compare against to.

whats up with the toungue

Never really understood about the whole role of this tongue in a kiss.
I've been kissed by 4 guys in my life. Each time they leaned in for a kiss - I would always wonder. Will this guy use tongue now ... why tongue? how does that help?

The first guy to ever kiss me - was the like the most wonderful of all ... or maybe I'm saying that, because, you know - I was 16 and at 16 when it is your first kiss, everything is just beautifully wonderful. I still never understood the tongue. Though, his tongue in all other places - was, well. Just right. We kept kissing for the three years we lasted together, but I still never got the thing about tongues touching or searching each others oral cavity.

The second guy, well. McDreamy. Heated Kiss, Steamy and stormy, the stuff they write of, in all your romance novels. You know, dark stormy night outside, stormy feelings inside, just the two of us, love-hate relationship. The fact that he already had a girlfriend and by kissing, we were "cheating" just turned me on, even more. ah. lust. the only emotion, that is so simple. other than hunger. and yet. in all these stormy, dark, and intensely lustful emotions swirling around ... i never understood why he used tongue too. No more anything there, so despite all the beautiful, lustful chemistry we shared, all I had was that stormy tongue to contemplate.

The third guy, I am so ashamed of actually allowing him anywhere near my body; but hey! you always end up with the one SOB you should never have trusted right? A couple of nights later (that I shall regret until the day I die) after we probably kissed more than a hundred times, and I assumed in all my naivety and innocent love that we would spend a lifetime together, I got duly dumped. None of the kisses, even in the veil of the blinding love, in who's grip that I was then, measured up to the first kiss of the sweet teenage, and this time too - I had no clue why the tongue was used. I was more like - "please let me breathe ... I cant live with 15 minute kisses".

And, now, with the present guy, I do a quick peck on the lips or the cheek - and hold the liberty of telling him that I hate to kiss with tongue. He doesnt understand, and there are times when we are doing it, and he just has to stick his tongue into my pie hole. well. being in a relation does mean compromise doesnt it?

general rants

There was once a friend of mine, who said he had heard a god-man say in a <em>sat-sang</em> that if his listeners expected him to explain the great mystery of life, or the meaning of life, they would be dissapointed.
My friend told me, the God-man began by saying "life is meaningless". While my friend and I are fellow agnostics, bordering on atheists, he wondered how a man who believed in God could use that sentence.
Actually, I had told him then. It is true. The whole fucking thing is meaningless and useless. at the end, you die. I told him. and he asked me to stop watching movies. at the end, he said, they end.
we laughed, and moved on to more important topics like Mithun Chakraborthy and his corny dialogues, but what I did not tell him then, was that life, is indeed meaningless.
All this fucked up dialogue about God, and Hope and Faith and Reincarnation is just bull shit. or atleast, that is what my life so far has led me to believe. I know, a lot of people would just want to tear me apart for this, and maybe, I deserve to be torn apart, maybe, I am wring about this whole fucked up thing being really fucked up. Maybe is it not just as much an ass fart as I believe it to be, but well, it is what I believe. So I believe it.
but then, most beliefs are also fucked up. way beyond sense. most beliefs put our life into a FUBAR mode.
You believe in the existence of God. I believe passing under a bridge when the train passes by above is good luck. which belief is stupid? which is fucked up?
You tell me - yeah, good luck, until someone shits on you from the train. I tell you, yeah, God, until you shit on yourself. you call me crazy, maybe I am. or maybe, you deserve to be in an asylum.

I'll tell you why you believe in God.
Because you are so pathetic, that you want to make yourself feel important. you want to feel needed.
You have designated your so called God to be the be all, end all, the all mighty, the ghost, the father, the god-knows-whatelse. and you tell me that a day in his life is equivalent to an year of yours. A year in his life is equivalent to a yuga and then you give me more shit about several yugas and the armageddon and the re-birth.
WTF. do you hear yourself speak?
Anyways.
One believes in a higher power looking over them, because they are scared little punks thinking too high about themselves. All this shit about reincarnation - do you really think that the world cannot do without you, and so they have brought you back - albeit in a different form and shape? you kidding me?
No one. and listen again. NO ONE is indispensable. Just like when you quit your job, assuming the whole company shall come to a grinding halt, and half an hour later, you realise you never meant a thing, when you die, a few days (months? years?) later - you cease to be in their minds.
Life Effing goes on. eveyone loses parents, children, spouses, siblings, and life goes on.
Ask me. I live.

all the great sorrow and grief and helpnesses, all that about being unable to exist without them - ask a child who's lost a parent. the child lives on. Isnt that proof enough?

You want to think that life stops. it doesnt. learn to live with it.

I'll give you another reason why you believe in God.
Blame.

Who do you blame when things go wrong? The only reason why "God" exists is so that you can blame that entity. "why me God?" "what the fuck did I do to deserve this?" who would you ask these questions if your "God" wasnt around?

Stand up. be a man. take responsibility. stop blaming a non existent entity for everything that you fuck up in life. stop raping this poor word called God.

FAte, destiny, bullshit. thats how the words should be grouped. you made a mistake, deal with it. you had good intentions, you wanted to live your life, things went wrong - deal with it.

Just because you are a loser today, and living in abject poverty or are so fugly that you didnt get laid, doesnt guarantee you a berth in heaven. this nonsense about suffering today, cos you will enjoy post death - havent heard a bigger joke than that.

You are suffering, cos you are a loser. be a man. fight the circumstance, stop suffering, whining and taking pride in being a loser, because "God" has better plans for you.

Believe in you, believe in the actions you perform. Even if you decide you want to be a pedophile, believe in what you do. no better happiness than it.
Stop seeking acceptance from some non existent loser word.

Oh, and btw - fast if you want a nice figure, fast if you are obese, fast if you arent a diabetic. Dont try and make a mockery of your own faith - "god, I'll fast on shivratri, get me a good fuckable girlfriend", "God, all through lent - I shall fast, if you get me a thunderbird", "god - Im on a ramaadaan fast, hoping that this illicit baby in my tummy dies as a result, I dont want to marry that loser of a boyfriend"

Duh. dont trade on petty stupidities with you almighty. if you have invented him - give him some dignity as well.

And those stupid stories, epics and the mantras that you say - all of them - designed and invented to keep the woman as a second rate citizen.

Raam decided some random bastard's drunken rants are important, the vows you made to a woman arent.
Krishna is your embodiment of a serial womaniser
that religion born in the desert, yes you know which one that is - decides for some reason that women exist only to ensure progeny.
the other religion where this guy was not hung (they didnt know the usage of rope back then), but was nailed randomly, decided that if he has a wife, his "godliness" factor shall decrease.

Nice. women - forever second rate right?

and now, I shall retreat back to my antartica. anyone needs advice in how to become a cynic - contact me telepathically. If I want to listen to you jerks, I shall crawl out of whichever cave I am holed up in.

(disclaimer - isnt meant to hurt any sentiments. meant only to vent, rant and lash out at the general foolishness of the population.)

 

nostalgia

this post right here brought me to bring out all nostalgia packed within.

Anyways. ennui.

how random can it get?

emotions - out of bound. work -  out of hand.

The only ray of hope is that Sheldon cooper is back. "Believe it because its true".
Loooooooooove Sheldon Cooper. (Yes, we are allowed to be girly-girly and all teenagy for our dear shelly!)

Lesson Learnt from a random Hindi soap -

If your husband goes missing in the middle of the night - go walk on hot coal embers while drag-dressed bearded men nag you to torture yourself.

dont forget the designer saree though :P

eraser (not the arnold one)

If ignorance is bliss. I would love to be ignorant to love and the associated nonsense.

If only we had a big enough eraser to just remove all the ugly experiences; I would certainly erase the sight of Priyanka Chopra in her yellow dress prancing around like a 5 year old pretending to be Britney Spears from my mind.

some stuff

there are some words that ought to be banned. some memories that ought to get erased once and for all. some people who should be given the electric chair.

So. sue me. go ahead.

anniversary

there is one person I hate more than ever on this day. 3 years to date, and yet the disgust, pain and anger does not go away.Especially on this day.

My entire life. ruined. due to one person.I wonder if I will ever stop blaming this person.

secret window, secret garden

by Stephen King.

about plagarism and such.

where I think the protagonist kills himself. or maybe not. I've forgotten the plot and could careless to look it up on google.

Johnny Depp *drool* starred in the movie though. Did no justice to the book - I remember thinking. but Johnny Depp. *drool*. period.

what else does a girl want? a drool worthy screen hero. a bitch worthy screen actress, gossip worthy colleagues, and some such more; oh, and online shopping. its the best bitches!

cya.don wanna be ya!