this song here is bittersweet.
It was 2005 I think, and I was active in the 'Bangalore Music Lovers' group on Yahoo. It was a rare opportunity to see BalaMurali perform Live in Bangalore.
The tickets were on the higher side, as was expected for a BalaMurali concert, but I went ahead and bought 3 tickets. I expected mom, me and gran to go, but when gran refused, I took dad along. we went in our Indica - the car dad had bought in the excitement of wanting to begin a travel business. It was the ultimate pride for him. A car he owed, driven by a chauffeur, with his wife and daughter to watch Balamurali in action, with the tickets his daughter had bought for him with her earnings.
Dad enjoyed the evening to no end. That ad where they say "papa ki chatti ko chattes se chaalis bana deta hain" it actually happened. It did.It truly and totally did.
He did not forget the evening ever. He kept singing that very song over and over again, he must have sang it atleast a thousand times in the short span that he was alive after this incident.
It drives a knife through my heart to listen to this song. It was dad and daughter, sitting next to each other laughing, clapping each other palms to match the Taala of the song.
This song always makes me feel guilty that my first choice was Gran. It taints the happiness of that evening with a huge guilt covered brush.
I make it a point to listen to this song everytime I feel good about myself, because it is important to know that you can never allow yourself to feel too good about yourself, too proud. you need to remember the people who matter the most. you need to make sure you are taking good care of them.you need to love them as unconditionally as possible. because, you never know, when life decides to paint your moments with that ugly color of guilt.
And truth be told. this is the only true and deep rooted guilt I have. Nothing else comes close. nothing else measures up. This is the only true emotion I have. all others pale. even love and hate. they pale. just pale against this one incident. everything i will ever do in my life, will always pale - there will always be this pain in the pit of the stomach which hits you harder than a punch in the lungs which is so raw and emotional.that nothing can compare against to.
