Conundrums

I'm so much in a dilemma right now. I don't know what I am doing. Whom am I hurting? Why am I doing what I am?

It easy to give things a label, but the fact is, what I'm doing doesn't even deserve a label. Even the most clichéd label doesn't come close to what this is.

I felt so guilty and dirty after doing what I did. Am I so weak, that I have ignored all the warning bells in my head? Of course I'm that weak. I wouldn't have let things go that far otherwise.

Even single value is getting broken, my pride is in smithereens... Loyalty, integrity, responsibility, commitment, trust truth, morality... Nothing has been left untainted. Even things that shouldn't matter - habits, behavior, caste... Everything has been murdered. Everything is either dead or dying.

All this, even when you said that what you feel has shaken, that we have different value systems.

It makes me sick to my stomach about what I did, despite which, I know I will continue to do it.

I can't think, but I can't not think. What have I gotten into!!